Clean Lawyer Jokes

Picture in your mind the scene as follows: it’s a small room where the only furnishings are a card table and three chairs. Over the table hangs a light with one lone bulb and a green glass shade. At the table sits a threesome playing poker. To your right sits a highly successful, high-priced attorney. On the left sits a very successful, but inexpensive, attorney. Directly in front of you sits Santa Claus himself. Their heads are down and it is clear that this is no ordinary penny-ante game as there are large bills on the table. Suddenly the light goes out, just for a moment. When the light returns all of the cash has disappeared – although you never saw a movement. Who took the money, and how do you know?  The perp is, of course, the high priced successful attorney. Why? There is no Santa Claus and and there are no very successful, but inexpensive, attorneys.  (you may not always get what you pay for, but you never get more)  This story contributed by Senator Jim Howell, 2014.



Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”


A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.”

“Your honor,” replied the lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”


From Reader’s Digest:

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.

“Linda Jones, probation officer.”

“Sam Clark, public defender.”

“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”


Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?



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